Things I Must Remember As A Dog

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the refrigerator, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats’ food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will not throw up in the car.

7. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my master’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are master’s laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for master’s driver’s license and car registration.

20. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

21. I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option after just getting a bath.

22. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

23. I will not hump any person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

24. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

25. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

26. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.

27. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.