Now Hear This

A man goes to his doctor and says “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”

The doctor replies: “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says “What’s for dinner, honey?” No response.

He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response.

Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”

She says, “for the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

New Years Resolutions We Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep?

Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less.

4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Start being superstitious.

7. Quit giving money & time to charity.

8. Spend more time at work.

9. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.