Jane

Iknew God at an early age. I tried to do the right thing growing up. I never gotinto too much trouble because I knew the consequences. When I grew up thingsbecame harder and cloudier. 

I was in a bad marriage for 13 years. I thought thiswas the man I was suppose to marry. He was a Christian. He was also abusive. Ontop of the physical and mental abuse I found out I could not have childreneasily. I also came down with a chronic auto-immune disease. 

Godblessed me in those terrible years. He blessed me with three beautiful, healthychildren. It took me 7 years before I could have them. I was so happy when Ifinally became pregnant. But I yearned for love. 

After having three children andsinking low in self-esteem I got a phone call from a cousin who was havingmarital problems. His wife left him and the kids. I reminded him of the dayswhen we grew up and when things were wonderful. I longed for those days. He andI talked on and off for weeks. 

I finally confessed the abuse and he made me tellmy family. They were suspicious for years. Now they knew. They came and got meout of that horrible hole and rescued me. I was bitter and angry at my husbandfor the lack of love and what he did to my self esteem. Iran away with the kids to my familyís arms. It was all so secret. My husbandthought I was just visiting. I had to lie to him. 

After awhile I had my ownapartment, job and the kids were in daycare and school. They were scared and sowas I. I could handle standing alone, but I hated what he did to my kids and tome. Ithought God was blessing me. I had so much anger. I remember the times myhusband hit me. Even pregnant, he punched me in the stomach. His family justturned their heads. I was so angry. Iwas free, so I thought. I thought God opened a door for me. But He had anotherpath. 

I just stopped listening when I left. Instead of listening to Him, Ilistened to my cousin. He had plans, too. He wanted us to open our own businessand kiss our families good-bye. He even wanted to marry me. I thought, why not?So we had a secret affair. He and I are so much alike, He could not possiblyhurt me. So I thought. Then I saw a familiar pattern in him. That woke me up outof my dream state. Iwas sitting at my desk at work and I knew, I KNEW two angels were at my side. Iwas praying that God take away my bitterness, pain and anger. He did. Just likethat. And I started thinking clearly again. 

I sat there and realized thatignoring my husbandís pleas might not have been Godís will. Now mind you,this was between me and God. Not everyone has this same situation. 

I got up frommy desk and the angels came with me. I walked across the room and came to asecure phone. I called my husband and asked him if He really changed. And Ilistened to him this time. He said God meant for him to take care of me and tolove me. He told me he was wrong and he loved me and to give him another chance.I felt God pushing me and that it was really Ok., because I have heard thisbefore. But this was different. It was very different. 

I paused and prayed andmade up my mind. I asked my husbandif I could come back home. He tearfully said YES! And he came and picked me upthe next week. Myfamily was furious. They did not understand the spiritual war that was going on.My cousin found out and he was furious. I locked all the doors and left throughthe back entrance when my cousin came. 

God protected us. Itísfunny how God works because I was not fully convinced and was scared of myhusband. The day he came to get me, Ifell violently ill. His family came down too and I had it out with them. Istraightened every thing out. I did not want to have a fake relationship withthem and they were very sorry. God worked in their hearts, too! 

They took thekids back and I stayed for a week recovering. I was in the emergency room twiceand I almost died. I had an allergic reaction. My husband was there the wholetime. Funny, when I thought I was going to die he took my hand and asked ifthere was someone else. He doesnít know why to this day he asked that. I wasso glad he did because I did not want to keep that a secret. I told him about mycousin and thought, if he rejects me then thatís that. But he looked at me andsaid, ďI caused all of this. You should have been loved from the verybeginning. This is all my fault.Ē 

I could not believe it. It was like a dream,or a movie. Hetook care of me for a week and I could see he really changed. He was different.This was almost unreal. I heard all the horror stories from others. But thistime, in this case, he really changed! 

We went through marriage counseling andhe still denies after he confessed the abuse, but thatís normal. Thisusually does not happen in real life, but it did. My husband let God change hisheart. He is now kind, caring, and he really loves me! It is just incredible. 

Istill deal with the guilt of the affair, but I know God forgave me. When I wasin the emergency room, there was talk that I had a sexually transmitted disease.But I came out clean. I donít deserve such a blessing. Godis still working on me. I still have the nightmarish memories of what he did andwhat I ended up doing. It almost ended in a what I call a ďnormal tragedyĒ.But it didnít. 

God didnít have to do this, but He did. My husband and I bothrelinquished our wills to Him. Thatís what did it. We dropped all our pride,our bitterness, our greed and came to Him and He healed our hearts.

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