I feel so alone and depressed almost every day, I am amazed sometimes that I am able to get myself out of bed and to work every day. I will explain what got me to this point. About five years ago, I began gradually drifting away from going to church. I should add that my husband and I started going to a Bible believing Christian church (both of us had grown up in the Catholic Church). I started reading the Bible and going to church every Sunday.
I believed I was born-again and that Jesus Christ was my Lord and Savior. Well, about five years ago, we began a friendship with new neighbors that moved in next door and I began to drink alcohol (which had been somewhat of a problem in my younger years). Then gradually I started missing church, not reading the Bible anymore, being more interested in fashion and material things like I had been years before.
Then what happened during this time concerns a man at my workplace, who was in a very higher up position. He began flirting with me and always giving me compliments. This went on for almost two years and finally ended up in me committing adultery with this man. I wanted to leave my husband, I had always felt even before that — I had made a mistake marrying my husband and now I felt it even more. I began to resent him so much.
Well, my adultery with this man went on for about three years. I did think of the Lord during this time and felt tremendous guilt and I developed insomnia. I thought that if I get a divorce and I beg for forgiveness maybe things will end up okay.
Then this person eventually told me that he could not have a future with me, so I ended the adultery. I then began to start having nightmares about what I did, and horrible anxiety totally overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe how horrible I was… I despised myself. I was sobbing tears every single day; I felt hopeless. I began asking the Lord to please forgive me and help me.
My husband would ask me what was wrong; I have never cried so much in my whole life. Finally I confessed to him what I had done. He was shocked but he forgave me. So now, I just feel like… did I think I was saved before I committed this horrible sin, and I really wasn’t saved? How could I do that to the Lord? I am in tears now writing that last sentence.
Or is it that I am just not one of the “elect” and that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from doing what I did? I am so confused. I feel genuine repentance in my heart and I know I love the Lord, I know he died for my horrible sins. But then once in a while I have a fleeting thought of missing that person (who I thought I was in love with and not just adultery). But I immediately block out the thoughts.
They do come back and try to re-enter my mind, but I continue blocking them. I go from feeling, yes I am forgiven, to maybe I just think I am and I am kidding myself. Please help me with this, tell me what to do, I don’t feel capable of thinking straight. I am so depressed and anxious.
Thank you sincerely,
One thing I can tell you right away is you must not beat yourself up over your past mistakes. We are all sinners, and sometimes we fall harder than we think possible. Don’t let the enemy rob you of your life’s purpose and stop you from moving forward to reach the lost for Christ. It is in our weakness that we can better understand and have compassion for others.
God loves you so much that He died for you knowing full well that you would fall but He is there to help you pick up the pieces. You have confessed your sin with a contrite heart. God has forgiven you; your husband has forgiven you; you must forgive yourself.
Only the Lord knows if you were saved or not or if you were severely backslidden but at this point that is irrelevant. He kept you alive and you have now confessed your sin and it is time for a new beginning. We serve a merciful God and the last thing he wants us to do is carry around the past. That is Satan’s modus operandi, not God’s.
Everyone makes mistakes and there are plenty of saved Christians who fall into sin. It is how we handle that fall that defines our future. This is a time to get into your prayer closet and get closer to the One who loves you beyond comprehension. Please read and carefully study these Scriptures:
“‘Come now, and let us reason together, ‘Says the LORD, ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool’” (Isaiah 1:18).
Blessedness of Forgiveness and of Trust in God (A Psalm of David)
“‘How blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered! How blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit! When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. Selah.
For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer. Selah. I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’ and You forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah’” (Psalm 32:1-5).
A Contrite Sinner’s Prayer for Pardon Psalm 51:1-7
“Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; according to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, I have sinned and done what is evil in Your sight, so that You are justified when You speak and blameless when You judge.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me. Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones which You have broken rejoice. Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will be converted to You.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, the God of my salvation; then my tongue will joyfully sing of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, that my mouth may declare Your praise.
For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise”
“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12).
Now with all of that Scripture to integrate into your heart, mind, soul and spirit, we must deal with the elephant in the room: Your relationship with your husband. What are you going to do with that? He has stayed with you even through your admitted adultery, and you have said that you did not think you should have married him in the first place.
Unless you come to terms with your marriage, I think you will continue to have mental, emotional and spiritual turmoil. If you do not want to be with your husband, you must face that fact. You did not say why you think you should not have married him in the first place and whether he is saved or if together you are now endeavoring to serve the Lord together.
It sounds like your husband is an exceptional person, especially since he was able to forgive you of your adultery and years of deception. You have already found out that getting involved with someone else only leads to turmoil and heartache. But God can heal your marriage. I hope that is what you want.
If not, then that opens up an entirely different set of issues which I cannot even address here since I don’t have enough information on the matter. Regardless of the circumstance, it is imperative that you strengthen your relationship with the Lord. You have confessed your sin with remorse and He has forgiven you.
Think about how you can best serve the Lord and place Him first in your life. It is in serving Him that healing comes. He can even change your heart toward your husband if you are feeling you don’t really want to be with him. So much is going on in the world today we really need to take the focus away from ourselves and do the work of evangelists. The Lord’s return is getting closer each day and it is imperative we live for Him.
It sounds like a lot of your time was spent in social activities and work. Remember, the Lord admonishes us to be in the world but not of the world. As long as we have one foot in the world and one foot in the Bible, we will have a tough time getting grounded in God’s teachings and living a godly lifestyle.
Bit by bit you drifted away from God; drinking with your neighbors, getting too socially involved at work, which of course has led to a host of other problems. All problems can be overcome with God’s intervention. But we have to want to live for Him. On any given day the world calls to use to live for ourselves. The entire culture is ME based, very contrary to what is taught in the Bible.
Please think of this time of change in your life as a time of renewal. If you really place the Lord first in your life you will never fall this hard again; you have learned a painful lesson. It is by getting deeply into the Word of God that the renewal work can be done (with the help of the Holy Spirit).
You must allow the healing to come by letting go of the past and rededicating your life to Him. The sorrow you feel will dissipate as you walk closely with the Lord each day. He will open your eyes to new possibilities. Put God first in your life. If you need to get a new job to get away from the memories of the man you were involved with, that would help a lot.
But you must deal with your marriage. Obviously many things are not right. If you are still involved with the Bible believing church you attended it might be a good idea to seek out someone there who can help you and your husband sort through your issues.
Or you can decide to let go of the past all together and not relive the problems by rehashing it all with a third person involved, and instead decide to move forward as a couple with God at the center of your marriage.
It sounds like you and your husband have been living separate lives for a long time. Between the two of you, please come to an understanding as to why you are together, and if staying together is what you both want. While you are trying to come to terms with the problems in your marriage, please make a strong effort as a couple to spend time sharing the Word of God. Spend time praying together and reevaluate how you can go forward side by side.
Find other couples you can spend time with; those who love the Lord and grow together with them. Your faith will be strengthened and you will be more dedicated to truly serving the Lord. Don’t hang out with the unsaved; they might be friendly but as you already found out, you will almost always run into problems: “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals’” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
The drinking has to go. Notice the word “spirits” tagged on every bottle of liquor. And yes, godless spirits are involved in drinking and substance abuse of any kind It is something you cannot make a part of your life and still fully live for God. Drinking, and other “pleasures” condoned by the world are all gateways to trouble and self-destruction, just the way the devil likes it. We know the devil is always looking for weak targets:
“Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8).
One last suggestion. If you are feeling you do not want to be with your husband please don’t make that final decision until you spend some real quality time with him, genuinely seeking the Lord together. God can change your heart to love your husband more. I don’t know of too many men who could really forgive and stay with a wife who lived an adulterous deceptive life for years,
It sounds like your husband is an exceptional person who is showing the selfless love of Christ. We need to appreciate those who stick with us. I would think very carefully before walking away from him. He has grounds for divorce but biblically speaking, I don’t see that you do, unless there is something you have not shared in your letter.
We cannot undo the past but we can make better choices today and tomorrow. Please don’t let your past mistakes ruin the rest of your life. Give your all to the Lord and He will guide you to a living a life that is pleasing to Him.
Your courage and honesty in sharing your painful downfall is evidence of your heartfelt remorse. Now let it all go. If you find yourself slipping and falling into a depressed state, get into the Scriptures and refuse to carry around what you cannot change. Read comforting passages, even out loud, and praise God for all the blessings you have. You cannot undo the past but what you can change is how you live your life today and tomorrow.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Please don’t hesitate to reach out again; I would love to hear how you are doing in the near future.
In God’s love,
“He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sin” (Colossians 1:13-14).